You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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