I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
