First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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