I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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