Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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