Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
