it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
