we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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