so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
