WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
