Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
