I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
