I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Damn victory sex feels great
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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