Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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