I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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