So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize