Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
