used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
