Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
