I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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