i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
