Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
