Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
