I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
