People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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