he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize