Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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