Where is the hickey?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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