My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
