I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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