I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
