I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
from now on my penis is your penis
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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