hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
