I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
