I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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