Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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