actually, I'm a sock model
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
