im drinking this country out of the recession.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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