Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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