Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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