I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
