I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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