One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
