Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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