it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Randomize
