my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
