Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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