He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Randomize
