dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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