I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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