Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
