How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize