We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
