is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
