i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
