You're my little dorito
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
