im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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