My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize